Always
by aBeautifulLiar
Summary: Caleb was safety but Spencer was so much more. With her, she felt emotions she didn't even know were possible but right then, she felt comfort and it was all she needed in that moment.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Apologies, this is awful but I am completely saddened by the lack of Spanna FanFiction because I am absolutely obsessed with the idea of them and I thought I would attempt to write something that has been in my head since seeing this particular scene.**

 **I'm not entirely certain whether I will leave this as a one-shot or continue this, I guess that's up to you guys and what you think would be best!**

 **This does contain slight spoilers for anyone who hasn't seen the season seven premier just yet.**

" _A dream is an experience. And an experience is real."_

For a moment, just for a short moment, it felt as though she was really there. She could touch her, she could smell her and she could almost feel her breath on her face when she spoke. It felt real, and the words the other woman spoke felt as though they were words that would fall from those lips. But she knew that it was impossible, she was locked in a dark and empty place and Spencer was somewhere else. Perhaps she was with their friends, or perhaps she was with Caleb. Perhaps.

And there it was. That undeniable feeling of jealousy coursing through her veins at the thought of Spencer being near Caleb, because even though she was alone and she was scared, somehow that thought terrified her even more. For those who thought they knew her, and even the people who did know her, they would only see the jealousy and presume it was because Spencer had Caleb. Hanna only wished it could be that easy.

"Will you stay with me?" She whispered, looking at Spencer with more desperation than she thought possible, but that one word offered her something no one else could have in that moment. With Caleb, she felt safe but with Spencer, even dream Spencer, she felt at home. She felt comfort, safety, calmness and so much more, emotions that she would never be able to describe but the brunette could have with ease.

" _Hush little baby, don't say a word..."_

Her eyes closed, and her fingers held onto Spencer's leg, focusing completely and utterly on the song of choice that Spencer quietly sang to her. Fingers ran through her hair, and for the first time in the many hours since she had arrived in her idea of hell, she felt calm. Spencer wasn't real, and she knew that but the way it felt and the way she felt right then, it was the closest to real anything possibly could be.

Hanna didn't know how long it would be until she saw her friends again, if she ever saw them again. Perhaps this was going to be the last comfort she would ever receive in this world, and she was just glad it was someone she loved. She had the time to think about many things when she was alone, cowering and shivering on the ground after AD had come and gone, she had too much time on her hands to think about all the wrong things she had done. All the people she was hurting, she had hurt and the people she was probably going to hurt if she was ever going to leave the lonely place she had found herself in.

The last thing she would be remembered for, if Caleb had even told anyone, would be kissing her ex-boyfriend. The man her best friend was currently dating and that was something that kept Hanna going more than most things, she needed the chance to explain, to beg Spencer for forgiveness, to somehow make Spencer see that it meant nothing. He was her safety once upon a time, and she had just gone back to the same place she had been when she was just a scared eighteen-year-old girl who had no idea how damaged she was going to turn out to be.

She could pin point the exact moment she realised she had accidentally fallen in love with her best friend. Her best friend who just so happened to be a girl, and also a straight girl who ended up falling for the person Hanna had once thought would be a huge part of her future. It had been a moment much like the one she was imagining right then; her head in Spencer's lap as her fingers brushed through her hair and Hanna's eyes fell to a close. Spencer had sung to her then, but Hanna's hand had been tightly held in the brunette's own as both of them were so completely terrified of whatever was next for them.

The dollhouse was the beginning and Hanna didn't want this moment to be the end. But it would be so fitting, she had come full circle and still, Spencer would never know the true extent of her jealousy or her hatred for the way things had turned out. But, perhaps this was just the way things were meant to be, with Hanna gone and Spencer safe in Caleb's arms…

And then it was over.

Her eyes opened, the singing had stopped, the early morning light could be seen through the cracks in the derelict place she had woken up in just the day before. The warmth of Spencer's lap was gone and she was alone again and she had to make a decision. If there was a way in, there was a way out but how much did she really want to escape? What did she have left to run to?

The decision should have been a simple one – run and live, or stay and die but nothing was ever that simple.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Apologies that this took so long – I have been on vacation and teetering on the idea of leaving this as a one shot but I decided I wanted more Spanna in my life, so here's the second part!**

 **This does contain slight spoilers for anyone who hasn't seen the earlier episodes of season seven.**

" _It is in herself she will find the strength she needs."_

She decided to run. Run faster than she ever had before, because she wasn't ready to give up just yet. For a few dark moments, she had thought about how much easier it would be to say goodbye to the mess she had found herself in this time, but then she remembered all the good things. The great things. And she decided to run.

It wasn't until she stepped out of Mary Drake's car that she realised just how much pain she was in – adrenaline had been coursing through her veins until safety was so close. She could see Spencer's house, the lights were on and everyone's cars were parked in the street and it was the first moment since her escape that she had felt the toll the past twenty-four hours had on her body.

She dropped the blanket from her body, forgetting all about the woman who still seemed so suspicious, as she stumbled from the car and took a moment to look around. A few hours before she had considered never seeing her friends again, and now she was hoping for their comfort. Her body trembled, the regret started to bubble inside of her – she had escaped a mad man and she had come to the house of someone she loved, that happened to be where her best friends were right then, she had put them all in danger. If he came after her, which she feared he would, she had just put the lives of all her friends in jeopardy.

How selfish could she be?

She barely had time to answer her own thoughts as arms wrapped around her and the distinct sound of sobs could be heard, accompanied by cries of relief. She thought she heard someone whisper that they had done it and she wanted to ask what they had done because _she_ had escaped, they had never come for her when she needed them the most. What could they have possibly done that led to her being there right then?

Her anger had no time to process when she realised just who was holding her and she took advantage of the moment to wrap her arms tightly around Spencer, her fingers curling around the other girls jumper as she closed her eyes and hid her face in the crook of the brunette's neck. She was safe, no matter what had happened, and no matter how little help she had thought them to be since she had been taken, she was finally safe and it was all she needed right then.

Everything after that momentary relief was a blur, moments of whispered words of comfort, tears when Hanna flinched away from innocent touches, murmured words behind her back. Hanna didn't understand what was happening as each passing second added to the pressure she felt on her chest as her heart thumped uncomfortably. Luckily, one person seemed to sense her obvious discomfort and led her outside, towards the barn she knew to be Spencer's – and Caleb's – home. She followed blindly, her hand holding onto Spencer's tightly as she tried to steady her breathing, trying to remember when her last panic attack had been.

"Hanna," Her voice was gentle, softer than the twenty-three year old had ever heard her best friend speak and eventually, her blue eyes met with chocolate as she bit down on her lip in a futile attempt to stop the tears from falling. When had she started crying? She wasn't entirely certain but as her fingers lifted to her cheek, she could feel the wetness and she could see the concern in Spencer's eyes but she had no idea what she could say or do to make that look of complete pain leave the other woman's eyes. She wondered if Spencer felt as hopeless as she did right then and then she remembered, it was Spencer Hastings, of course she did.

"Let's get you cleaned up and into something warm, okay?" It was almost as though she was talking to a child, but neither of them truly knew what was right in this situation. Hanna could only nod her head as she followed Spencer towards the bathroom, watching the woman turn on the shower and check the temperature before she turned back to her waiting best friend who just stood there awkwardly, arms wrapped around herself, her eyes never leaving Spencer as though she was the only thing anchoring Hanna to reality right then.

Spencer didn't say anything, she just set about getting some towels ready and then, giving her best friend a small smile, she went to walk past her, stopped only by Hanna's hand grabbing her arm and then a whisper, "Will you stay?" The words came out before Hanna could stop them, the desperation in her eyes and the fear in her voice being enough to make Spencer nod her head, her fingers moving gently to Hanna's cheek as she took a deep breath.

"Always." Came her reply and Hanna felt her heart flutter, because despite everything that had happened, that one word she had imagined had been something she had clung onto and there it was. Hanna would never forget the words Spencer had spoken to her that had made sure she was standing right in front of her in that moment.

Her hand dropped from Spencer's arm to slowly pull the dirtied vest over her head, trying to ignore the slight gasp that fell from Spencer's lips when she saw the true extent of what their new tormentor had done to her. Her eyes glanced towards the running shower, and she didn't have to say a word for Spencer to understand what she needed right then. It was only a few seconds later that a completely naked Hanna and a fully clothed Spencer stepped into the shower, Hanna clinging onto her best friend, barely trusting her feet to keep her standing right then as the water washed over her. The last time she had felt water on her skin, it had been ice cold and done only with malicious intent – she could remember opening her dry mouth just to get a taste of the liquid because she knew it would be her only chance. She couldn't even remember how long a human could go without liquids, but somehow it didn't seem that long ago that she had been involved in a discussion with her best friends as they huddled up together and realised they could die.

Her eyes closed and her body shook as she did her best to stay in the present, her grip tightening on Spencer, who just whispered words of comfort as she gently washed the dried dirt, and specks of dried blood from her best friend's body. Hanna didn't know how long it was until she felt her heartbeat return to normal, and her eyes opened to look at the person who somehow managed to feign calmness even in the most stressful of moments. Spencer was the person she needed right then,she wasn't sure she trusted anyone else not to burst into tears, or ask if she wanted to talk about it and then pester her when she said she didn't. Spencer didn't say a word, she just did what Hanna needed her to do right then and she had no idea how she was going to thank her for just being her right then.

When they stepped out of the shower, Spencer focused entirely on Hanna, gently wrapping the towel around her before she fumbled around for the first aid kit as she mumbled about having to make sure Hanna didn't get an infection. Hanna had already refused hospital treatment and no one seemed to understand why, but no one questioned her about it just yet. She didn't want to go, and Hanna knew that no one could and no one would force her into doing something she saw as a hopeless task. There was nothing any hospital doctor could do for her right then other than ask questions she didn't want to answer.

They were silent for a while, as Spencer busied herself with Hanna's wounds, muttering to herself about how she was going to kill whoever did this to her as Hanna pretended not to hear her. She wondered if they would ever find him, but then she had no idea what to do if they did. It wasn't as though real justice existed, not in Rosewood, anyway.

Once she was sat on the bed, tugging on the sleeves of a jumper Spencer had helped her into, she glanced at her oldest friend, watching the brunette get changed out of her wet clothes and into something else. When Hanna spoke, she froze for just a moment before she cleared her throat, her cheeks turning red and Hanna could tell she was searching for an answer, "Do you love him?" Hanna had asked, her voice quiet, her eyes looking away from Spencer as she stared down at the floor.

"I don't know." Came the answer, and Hanna wasn't sure if that hurt just as much as 'yes' would have, or if the pain was somehow eased because Spencer not knowing meant that maybe she had a chance. She gulped, holding back the tears that glistened in her eyes as she looked back up at Spencer and gave her a small smile, that appeared as more of a grimace, "I don't love Jordan," She admitted, with a small shrug, "Or Caleb..." She had seen the look in Spencer's eyes when she had first spoken and she had to get it out there before she assumed.

"Did he tell you that we kissed?" Her heart ached when Spencer shook her head, shock and betrayal coating her features and Hanna wanted nothing more than to run out of there and shake Caleb and ask him why. Why would be lie to the girl he was lucky to have?

"Before I was taken, we were alone in that motel room and for a moment, it was like I was seventeen again and everything was as it was. He was my safety net and it was all I needed in that moment and he kissed me and I kissed him back... but it was over as quickly as it happened, I never wanted to hurt you... or go behind your back." Spencer still hadn't said anything, and Hanna wasn't sure what she could say to make any of it right. "I don't know why it happened, it wasn't him I've been wanting to kiss since we got back here. When you told me you had feelings for him, I was jealous but not of you."

It was out there, the words were out there before she could even take them back and life was so short, Hanna wasn't even sure she wanted to hide anymore. "Can you say something? Shout, cry, slap me... anything?" The tears continued to fall as Hanna shook her head, "I just wanted you to know because you're the reason I'm here and you have no idea. You were in there with me, not really but in a dream and you helped me and now I'm here because of what you said and you're standing there, with no idea that you helped me more than you could ever imagine and I have no idea how I could make that up to you because I kissed your boyfriend and you probably hate me and I wouldn't blame you..." Her panicked, tear filled rant was cut off by Spencer's forehead pressing against her own, their noses nudging together as Spencer brought her hands to Hanna's cheek and gently wiped away the tears that were still falling.

"Stop." She whispered, "No, I don't love him and no, I don't hate you... we'll talk about this when you're not exhausted and starving but for now, let's just forget it, okay? We'll go in there, get you something to eat, something to drink and you need to sleep. We'll talk, I promise but not now, not after what you've been through." Her lips pressed against Hanna's forehead once again, and then her nose before she hesitated at her lips, pulling back before they could meet.

And as her hand fell into Hanna's, pulling her up, the blonde felt something she had previously thought she wouldn't feel again – hope.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Apologies for the wait, this is the final part of this little Spanna story! Thank you for all of the reviews, and thank you for taking the time to read this!**

" _And scars, show me all the scars you hide. And hey, if your wings are broken, please take mine so yours can open, too 'cause I'm gonna stand by you." - Rachel Platten_

Hanna bit down on her lip as she wrapped her arms around her knees, just staring ahead as she listened to the hushed whispers of her friends. She had tried, for just a moment, to be brave and go back to the apartment she was meant to call home whilst she stayed in Rosewood. She had wanted more than anything to just have the confidence to be alone – and most of all, she wanted to convince the people around her that she _could_ be alone.

Somehow, being kidnapped (for a second time) made her feel weak. And she could see the pity in the eyes of the people who were trying to be there for her. She only snapped at each question, as she told them she didn't want to talk about it and she was certain that she never would. At least, with anyone other than Spencer who seemed to be the only one who didn't look at her as though she was going to break at any given moment.

Everything hurt, and sometimes she would find herself crying before she even realised the tears had fell. There were flashes of being back there, but it was getting mixed up with the memories she had of the dollhouse five years previously. She had managed to move on from it before because Spencer, Emily, Aria and Mona had been right there with her – they had gone through the same thing, they had all been there and experienced similar things, so they were able to support each other. Now, she had been the only person there, she had been all alone and then she had to get herself out, on her own. So now, she had to deal with the fear, the sadness, the memories, the pain and the self-hatred all by herself with no one to lean on for that understanding she longed to feel.

No one around her would truly know how it felt to have freezing cold water thrown over them, before they were held down and jabbed with a metal prod that sent her entire body into a searing pain she had never felt before. Her hand moved to her shoulder, her fingers brushing over the slightly raised skin there as she frowned; the only person who had truly seen the extent of the physical damage had been Spencer but she had yet to see the true heights of the pain she kept hidden inside of her brain. The memories of the water, the dark place she had woken up, the memories of the way she had been shaking and sobbing, begging for him to stop, as she told him that she had no idea who had murdered Charlotte.

Her thoughts were broken when Spencer sat next to her and placed her hand on top of Hanna's, slowly removing it from her wounded shoulder as she gave her a small smile. "I fought them but I get to stay here with you," She whispered, her lips pressing against Hanna's cheek before her fingers ran through her hair. Hanna glanced over at where Caleb and Emily stood, with her ex-boyfriend stealing the odd glance at the two women every now and again. He and Spencer had been acting strange since she had confessed her love for Spencer and she wondered if the woman had told him. He didn't move to touch Spencer, he had tried to start some sort of discussion about their own relationship but Hanna had shot him down and he and Spencer had barely spoken a word to each other.

When he finally moved to approach them, Spencer's arm automatically moved to wrap around the blonde, as though she was protecting her. It only served to confuse Hanna because, no matter how much they had been through, she felt a lot of things for Caleb but one of them wasn't fear. He was harmless, nothing to be afraid of, even if he discovered the feelings she had for his girlfriend (or perhaps ex-girlfriend, if the look on their faces was anything to go by). "We're going to head off, call if you need anything." Spencer only nodded her head, "We're going to be fine, this makes things easier anyway... you can stay in the barn until you find somewhere else." He only nodded his head, before he gave Hanna a small smile, turning to leave the two alone for the first time since she had woken up that morning.

When the door closed, Hanna looked at her best friend and then at the closed door, "You broke up?" She asked, a deep frown on her face when Spencer just nodded her head, "We're in love with the same girl, it was never going to work out." She mumbled, and Hanna's blue eyes met with Spencer's chocolate orbs, a blush on her cheeks. "Did you tell him that?" The brunette shook her head with a small laugh, "I think perhaps this is something we can have just for us for now. I don't want this to be something that A.D tries to ruin..."

Hanna bit down on her lip at the thought, but then nodded her head, "I think I just want to forget about it, you know? I know I can't but I just want people to stop mentioning what happened or ask me what the hell happened over the course of twenty-four hours. I just want to... focus on other, better things, please?" It was code for Hanna would rather cover the feelings up with a complete focus on finding out who had done it to her. She would rather pretend as though it hadn't happened because somehow, that would be so much easier than actually facing it head on. She could remember five years ago, when A had been revealed and Charlotte was behind bars, and she had been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – she had almost laughed it off, but then faced with the actual reality of being locked up in a dark place with no idea what was going to happen to her, again, it truly brought to light everything she had managed to suppress over the years.

Hanna was good at that. Hiding how she truly felt, pretending as though the trauma was easy to move on from – being hit by a car, being sent to jail, being kidnapped by a crazy person and psychologically tortured for way too long, even before they got to that place. She had managed to push it all away, even when the person she thought to be her love of her life had walked out and left her to deal with it on her own. She worked hard, she smiled when someone asked her about everything that had happened and informed them that it was in the past. She had moved on.

But had she ever moved on?

"For now." Was all Spencer replied with, although Hanna knew she was the same – she worked hard and she pretended as though the past had never happened because it was so much easier than actually coming to terms with everything that had happened between the ages of fifteen and eighteen. "For now you can pretend but sooner or later, Hanna, we're all going to have to deal with everything that happened." Hanna knew she was right, her hands moving to rest on Spencer's chest as she took a deep breath.

"Sooner or later." She repeated, her head turning to the side before she pressed a kiss against Spencer's shoulder, a small smile on her face. Spencer repeated the words back to her, moving to brush Hanna's hair behind her ears, "You need to rest, and then you have one thing to do..." She looked at her in confusion, before the name of the person she was supposed to marry was mentioned and she felt as though she was going to be sick. She still nodded her head, and she bit down on her lip, promising that she would but it was something she needed to do in person, for his sake rather than her own. It was awful, but it had to be done should she and Spencer ever stand a chance at working anything out between them.

"I love you." Their lips brushed together, their cheeks turning a light shade of red as their hands clasped into the others. "I love you, too." Their lips met truly, for the first time, gently, with slight hesitation, a slow, lingering kiss that neither wanted to come to an end.


End file.
